Sunday, August 1, 2010

Car Song

There are few things that can ruin my day quicker and more effectively than a run-in with a bad driver. Now, before I say anything more, let’s get one thing straight: I am not the best driver in the world by any means nor do I profess to be. Hell, I even struck a parked car last month in an ill-fated attempt to procure the always elusive “rockstar” parking space. However, I do spend somewhere around 20 hours a week on the road, and that means that (unfortunately) I am privy to a ridiculous amount of bizarre driving faux pas that either send me into a blind rage or leave me completely baffled.

I think one of the more prolific driving anomalies I have witnessed since moving to the Pacific Northwest is also the dumbest: running red lights. I don’t understand why somebody would do something so stupid, and yet, I see it ALL THE TIME. I mean, okay, you’re in a hurry; you need to get to Fred Meyer for some new socks stat. I get that. What I don’t get is why you find the need to disregard the law in an attempt to procure said socks, and possibly get somebody killed.

 "What the FUCK!?!?!"

Speaking of getting killed, my patience dies a little bit each time some asshole in a giant SUV decides to tailgate the living shit out of me and every other car on the road. Are socks on sale at Fred Meyer? Is that why you desperately need me to speed up – so you can beat the ass that just ran a red light to the apparel section and nab the last six pack of ankle-cut Hanes? Also worth mentioning is that if you tailgate me, I will intentionally slow down to a crawl. Especially if I am driving along a multi-lane road and you have more than enough time and space to pass me. However, I will not slow my speed down to a gut-wrenching crawl for no apparent reason other than to fuck up your shit, which is something else that I see way too much of around here. Some jerk will get into the carpool lane on the highway and go ten to fifteen miles under the speed limit, thus negating the entire purpose of myself and my family being in that lane: to beat the fucking traffic that is tying up every other lane on the road. Oh, and let me put a special emphasis on MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. If you’re the only passenger, then get the fuck out of the carpool lane.

Another bizarre auto maneuver that I witness daily: the people who feel the need to speed up or slow down when you try to get into their lane. If you’re one of those people, you’re a dick. The rightmost lane on the 101 does not belong to you, and I need to be in it so that I don’t miss my goddamn exit. Like… what is the logic associated with such a move anyway? Why would you want to keep somebody from going where they need to go? Just get a life and let me over already.

So, to all you red-light-running, tailgating, right-of-way-disregarding-assholes-who-won’t-let-me-off-on-Exit-26-so-I-can-go-home:

Karma is going to pwn the SHIT out of you when some other dildo runs a red light and slams right into your stupid SUV.

Yikes.

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