Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Magic of Television

WARNING!! This post contains massive, and I mean MASSIVE, spoilers for the new 90210, Dexter, True Blood, and LOST. If you haven’t seen the aforementioned titles, do not read this until you have. If you haven’t and you don’t care, well… read on! Also, there is some pretty graphic material contained within, so really, read at your own risk, as this particular post is not for the faint of heart.

I wouldn’t call myself a couch-potato by any means, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t stoked about the majority of my shows starting up again for their fall seasons. Finally, Jeremy and I will be justified in hanging onto our Netflix rentals because we will be too busy clearing the latest episodes of Dexter, Smallville, and The Office from our DVR! It will be awesome!

Or at least, it should be.

Unfortunately, last season seemed particularly dark and disturbing for pretty much every major show that graces the plasma screens of our cozy household. In fact, some of that shit was so unnerving that it stayed with me. Thanks to a recent bout of insomnia I had plenty of time to think about the most chilling things I have seen on the telly within the last year…

#5 LOST – The Death of Jin and Sun

In the beginning, Jin and Sun were kind of uncomfortable to watch. Probably because Sun seemed so nice, and kind of like a doormat, whereas Jin was always being an asshole to her for no apparent reason other than that he was an angry Korean man. Then we find out that his behaviour is totally justified because Sun cheated on him with her English instructor, and Jin kinda-sorta knew about (and received confirmation some time later)! How Days of Our Lives! But then… something happened, and this awkward couple started patching things up and falling in love all over again and making a baby together only to spend two years apart before they finally reunited… and drowned together in a sinking submarine a couple of hours later.

I know it seems pretty tame, but watching these two from the very beginning to the very end, and watching Jin ultimately sacrifice himself so that his wife wouldn’t die alone is like a knife in the gut. The final shot we see of the two, which is only their clasped hands drifting apart after they have died? Not only is it turning the knife counter-clockwise, but it is something that has stuck with me months later. Thanks for that, Team Darlton.

#4 True Blood – Eric Stakes Talbot

Eric Northman puts the grudge-hoarders of the world to shame in this scene. See, he’s spent the last thousand years pissed off about the death of his family at the hands of the vampire King of Mississippi (goddamn, that sounds absurd) Russell Edgington. So, what better way to get back at this guy by making out with his spouse, Talbot, before bending him over and impaling him with a stake? Insert horrible puns about stakes, steaks, and penis here.

Umm... yeah.

** Honorable mention goes to Russell staking a random male prostitute as part of his grieving process over Talbot (whose remains he started carrying around in a fancy glass jar). Also of note is that the prostitute was played by Michael Steger, who can be seen as 90210’s quirky amateur journalist, Navid. Now I won’t be able to handle him lamenting Adrianna’s new-found fame without thinking, “Dude. You got impaled on True Blood..."

"Ah hated yo' ahhticle in the school news-pay-puh."

#3 True Blood – Bill Hate-Fucks Lorena

Anybody who has seen this is probably wondering how the fuck this is number three, and not number one. For anybody who has not seen this, let me explain a little bit, so that you too, can wonder why this epically crazy shit is not in the top spot. Lorena, a sociopathic vampire, sired Bill waaay back during the Civil War pretty much because she fancied him. The two were lovers (and murderers) for quite a long time before Bill decided that he just couldn’t be with this woman he hated for ending his human life. Flash forward to Season 3, Episode 3, where after some wacky shenanigans, Bill and Lorena are together again (and by together, I just mean in the same room). After some witty banter the two get into a brawl before engaging in passionate vampire sex.


“Passionate” may not be the word to describe what transpires between the two, as Bill straddles Lorena and twists her head a full 360 degrees so that he can hump her without looking at her face. Lorena, whose head is now on backwards, is gurgling blood and totally enjoying herself. Not only did this one scene give a whole new meaning to the phrase “hate-fuck,” but it also made me wonder who came up with this shit, and why Bill couldn’t just put a bag over her head or something.


#2 Dexter – Rita’s Blood Bath

The final scene of Dexter’s fourth season seriously scarred me for life. No, Seriously. After an entire season of being a little on the annoying side, Dexter’s wife, Rita, is taken out by the Trinity Killer in what has to be one of the most shocking moments in television history. And how could it not be shocking? Most viewers (with the exception of all of you “I totally saw that coming” naysayers who I don't believe for a second) were fucking blindsided when Dexter comes home to what should have been an empty house to discover his infant son sitting in a pool of blood that has overflowed from the bathtub, where Rita’s corpse is reclined. The bathroom covered in blood (and I do mean COVERED), the close-up of Rita’s lifeless face, and baby Harrison crying on the floor provided me with images that continue to haunt me on sleepless nights.

R.I.P. Rita :(
#1 (The New) 90210 – Naomi’s Rape

What the fuck?! The most horrifying thing I’ve seen on television lately was on 90210? What?!

This cast photo is pretty horrifying in and of itself.
That was my own internal reaction when the second season of this program came to a close. 90210 was the one show that I would watch to give myself a break from all of the heavy shit going on in Bon Temp, or in the mind of Dexter Morgan. I mean, come on. It’s about a bunch of rich kids going to high school, engaging in pre-marital sex (the horror!), doing drugs, getting record deals, and shit like that. This show was a fluff piece at best! What happened?!

Enter Naomi, one of the series regulars, who accuses her new teacher, Mr. Cannon, of sexually harassing her after an in-class argument leaves her pride wounded. Of course, he never did any such thing – she only said this so that her friends and her boyfriend would take her side in the whole dispute. Soon the lie gets out of control and the schoolboard finds out, and there’s this whole hearing, and Mr. Cannon is walking around with his puppy-dog eyes like, “Why are you doing this to me?” in his foreign (read: British) accent, and then Naomi, who is now filled with remorse, tells the world that it was all a lie. Her friends are pissed, her boyfriend dumps her, and Mr. Cannon’s wife is totally relieved that her husband hasn’t been groping young girls. Hurray!

Now, in a plot-twist that I wouldn’t have seen coming had the CW’s shitty episode preview not given it away since this subplot was seemingly completely wrapped up, Mr. Cannon really IS a pervert, and after an upset Naomi spills her guts to this guy after a shitty evening, he turns the creepy on full blast and kisses her. When she tries to get away, he slaps the living shit out of her and then, in the final scene of the season, which I can only describe as chilling, he bends her over his desk and tells her, “You’re the girl who cried wolf."

If that’s not nightmare fuel (especially for the teenage girls that tune in every week), then I don’t know what is. I think every character on this list who was brutally murdered got a much better deal...

9 comments (+add yours?)

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Yeah Im gonna disagree with you on this one. Id rather be raped by a teacher than have my infant son crying in my spilled blood. I mean, I know you have a vagina, but you have kids too.

thelexhex said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm not talking about the baby. If I had to choose between dying in a bathtub from a severed artery or being raped by a creepy Brit, well, I'll take the bathtub (let's pretend that the child is not a factor here). I have enough emotional baggage as it is w/out violent physical trauma.

That's just me, though.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Youve doomed us all. I hope you're happy.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

He's a Brit??? Well, then I must disagree EVEN MORE SO.

Sam said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

DAMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNITTTTTTTT-I just couldn't help myself and I had to look at the bit about Dexter. I'm furious with myself. You see I only just started watching Dexter via Netflix and just finished up Season 2-so I reallllly screwed myself. Not your fault though-you warned me. If only I'd had the good sense to listen.

thelexhex said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Anonymous -- He's probably not even a real Brit.

@Sam -- Yiiiiiikes. I know I posted a warning but I'm really sorry that you had to see that before, well, seeing that. Season 4 is still awesome though, spoiled or not ;)

Sam said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

don't be sorry you did warn me in HUGE TYPE and I just blithly ignored it. such an awesome show though I'm just going to wipe it from my mind and pretend like it never happened lol.

Ze Nerd said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ewwwwwww I saw the True Blood one. Damn, that scene was twisted. However, I think your list was pretty accurate. Those are all some pretty messed up stuff. My eight-year-old cousin watches 90210...that's not a good situation. >.<

Wonderful blog. You have a real knack for interesting dialogue.

thelexhex said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Aww, thank you! :)

I love that you used "twisted" to describe the True Blood one! ;)

Your cousin should be really, really scared watching 90210... there's some crazy shit happening on that show.

Post a Comment

Cake -- and grief counseling -- will be available at the conclusion of this comment.