Thursday, December 31, 2009

Spider-Man 3 Can Blow Me

When you have children, it is inevitable that you will be forced to watch the same movie a thousand times over. Most kids will be into something like The Little Mermaid, or Toy Story. When my eldest daughter turned two, she decided to nurture her genetic predisposition toward geekdom and requested screening after screening of Spider-Man 3. Now, I had seen the movie previously, and though I didn’t outright hate it in the same way that the rest of the world did, I certainly had issues with it. Of course, the more it was on, the more I would find myself scratching my head and saying, “What. The. FUCK.”

So, first thing’s first: Why the hell was Venom only in this flick for like, 15 minutes? Topher Grace was the best thing about this cluster fuck, and yet we barely saw him. His portrayal of a sychophantic and somewhat deranged Eddie Brock was brilliant. Regrettably, the writers, in all of their glue-sniffing glory, decided to completely irradicate any hope of seeing this character again by having him vaporized (vaporized?!) at the end of the film. Yeah, thanks, assholes.

"I can has screen time?"

Obviously, I cannot talk about Eddie Brock/Venom without talking about the black-suited Spider-Man. Putting an evil spin on the Webhead could have been pretty awesome. Hell, remember the trailers and taglines? The battle within and all that shit? Peter Parker versus his inner darkness should have been epic! Instead, we see Peter not as the adorable nerd turned superhero that we have come to know over the previous two films, but a semi-retarded asshole with a swollen ego and a receeding hairline. He then obtains the black suit, stops washing his hair, and… dances in the street? Since when did crotch-thrusting become a symbol of evil rather than a symbol of douchebag? Furthermore, why are the streets of NYC monopolized by attractive young women for Peter to thrust said crotch at? The streets of Manhattan are not teeming with supermodels at all times.  And, of course, I cannot mention attractive young women without bringing up my next major gripe:

Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson.

Anybody who has ever read a Spider-Man comic knows that MJ is supposed to be insanely HOT. Kirsten Dunst just… isn’t. (In fact, she’s pretty weird looking.) What’s worse is that she didn’t seem to be all that into doing this movie, and it showed. She moped around on screen as if she had been punched in the face before every take. This was further accentuated by Gwen Stacey (played by the lovely Bryce Dallas Howard), who was superior to Mary Jane in every way. Smart, pretty, and kind, she was the leading lady that we should have had from the start. Sadly, she, like the aformentioned Venom, was barely there, leaving the viewers with a dead-behind-the-eyes  oddity better suited for a guest-appearance on Fraggle Rock. To top it off, Mary Jane was really fucking annoying. I had no sympathy for her on any level because she was a total bitch! Like when she talks to Peter about the bad reviews she got on Broadway and he tries to make her feel better? She jumps down his throat, saying that it “isn’t about you. Try to understand how I feel,” which is one of the most non-sensical lines in the whole film. He just got done telling her that he knows how she feels – from experience. Pay attention, you horrible troll! Oh, wait… you’re too busy scamming on Harry all of a sudden.

Let the Fraggles play.

Which brings me to Harry Osborn as the “New” Goblin… sigh. Another bit that could have had potential. So, what happens? After an intense battle between best friends turned enemies, the writers decide to end the brawl with Harry being hospitalized, and waking up with – drumroll, please – selective memory loss. Ugh. I think the most baffling part of Harry’s storyline (and perhaps my biggest problem with the whole damn Spider-Man franchise) is his man-servant. That’s right. His man-servant. This son of a bitch has known the truth about Norman Osborne’s death for years. YEARS! So, instead of telling Harry straight-up, “Yo, Spider-Man didn’t kill your dad, etc.” he decides to sit back and watch this guy (who he claims to love, mind you) drink himself into a homicidal frenzy (Spider-Man 2) and subject himself to the same  experiments that drove his dad nuts in order to work out the best approach to killing his best friend  before finally getting half of his face blown off.  What the FUCK?!  What kind of sadistic asshole lets that type of shit happen?!?! The greatest foe DOES lie within! Within Harry’s own penthouse!!!

Sadly, it doesn’t end there. Sandman was a walking cliché – the good guy turned to a life of crime in order to help his ailing daughter (who, I am convinced, had some of the highest medical bills in history, since this bloke had to rob like… seventeen banks to pay for her shit). Throw in the fact that he accidentally shot and killed Ben Parker all those years ago, and you have a legitimate excuse for Peter to be pissed, at least. But then there are the plot holes. Like, why didn’t Peter and Aunt May hear anything about a second suspect following the crime? If the case was labeled as unsolved then they should have been getting regular updates from the people working it, right? And what about the witnesses that Captain Stacey mentions? Why weren’t any of them like, “He went that way!” after the shooting occured? Didn’t the cops put out an APB for suspect number two immediately? 

I haven’t even touched on the weird editing choices or the excruciatingly unfunny J. Jonah Jameson scenes, and I don’t think that I will, as I feel that I have done a more than adequate job describing the fuckery that has turned many off to the idea of seeing anymore of the Wallcrawler’s exploits translated to the silver screen. Thankfully, my daughter has outgrown her love of SM3 in favour of stronger and infinitely more tolerable films (The Incredible Hulk, Penelope, and almost anything from Pixar), and my husband and I can happily say that we have not had to see Spider-Man 3 in about six months.

Unfortunately for us (as well as the rest of the world), a fourth Spider-Man film is already in production, with filming slated to start in early 2010. With rumours of Anne Hathaway playing a character called the Vulturess, it’s impossible for me not to throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

An Introduction, I Guess?

As a  stay-at-home mom that doesn’t have enough time to do things that don’t involve the kids in some way, I often find myself at a complete loss when I actually have an extended period of time to myself. For awhile now, I have found myself entertaining the idea of starting a blog, as it seems to be the hip thing to do. Of course, that leads to the inevitable question, “Well, what would I blog about?” and that, in turn, leads to me ultimately deciding that I have nothing interesting to say. However, there are those that would argue that I’m delusional and that I do have something interesting to say… about something… somewhere…


I guess we’ll see, won’t we? Because if you’re actually reading this, then that means that I went ahead and took the plunge. I’ve created a blog for the masses to see and to ultimately forget about. As for what I’ll talk about, well, who knows? Stupid people, films, books… I’m sure I can find something to jabber on about for a little while before one of my daughters decides to try her hand at pole-vaulting (or something equally dangerous and/or ridiculous).