Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts #24: The Boulder Punch!

OMFG, I can’t think of a cohesive sounding “intro” to save my life right now! 

  • A few days ago I had an opportunity to chat with the glorious Ginger and her man over at Noodleknobs. Adult conversation is always refreshing. I crave it. Spending my days saying things words like “potty,” “owies,” “poot-poot,” and “TAKE A NAP” has surely dropped my IQ points by about a thousand percent. Go check out our conversation and leave some love
  • Resident Evil 5 protagonist Chris Redfield provided me with a pretty big LOL moment while I was binge-gaming. Now, in Marvel vs. Capcom 3, Chris has a move referred to as the “Boulder Punch.” I didn’t think anything of it… until I reached a QTE (in RE5) where Chris had to literally punch a boulder. (No spoilers, I promise!)

What's up, broken hand?
  • I had another LOLZ moment when Chris falls from a ledge. (That sounds bad, I know.) Instead of being all tough-cool-guy who gets right back up and gives clear, concise orders in the face of danger, he flails his arm toward the direction Sheva needs to go, while making a weird, tired sort of grunting noise. It wasn't meant to be funny, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. A lot. 
  • Midget seems to be a fan of Jill Valentine. She drew a picture of a girl, and after seeing Jill in action she added a red device to the girl’s chest. It’s pretty damn funny if you ask me.
Best thing I've seen all week.
  • Oh, that parent-teacher conference went really well. Midget is doing awesome and her teachers truly believe that she is ready for kindergarten now. Hopefully the psychologist will share the sentiment.
  • How is it that people living in and around Seattle can’t drive in the rain? It rains here all the damn time – you’d think these fucking people would be used to it, but, no. Every time it rains, the 405 slows to a goddamn crawl for no apparent reason other than the fact that everyone thinks the sky is falling.
  • Then again, people around here can’t drive at all, rain or shine. Assholes.
  • Jeremy took full advantage of the nicest day we’ve had in a long time to mow the lawn. Victory!
  • You know that show Taxicab Confessions on HBO? It baffles the living shit out of me. People totally spill the craziest, most personal shit you can think of to these random drivers, and I just don’t get it.
  • I talked to LG a few days ago, who told me that she is saving up to buy herself a new pair of boobs in time for summer. That woman cracks me up.

Well, on that note, it’s time for me to end the random and get on with the rest of the day. If you’re a masochist craving some bonafide nightmare fuel (or just really, really curious), go check out what Sesame Street’s Burt might look like if he wasn’t a muppet. (Special thanks to Keely for tweeting this -- along with a warning -- last night!)

Until next time~

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Fun fact: rabbit pee stains stainless steel

When I took my job at the Humane Society, I knew that there would be times when I would be dealing with vicious animals. However, I never, ever coupled the word “vicious” with the word “rabbit.” When you are surrounded by big-ass dogs that have been abused, or feral cats, the fluffy bunnies that are up for adoption tend to fly under the radar. I mean… they’re fluffy bunnies up for adoption!!  

The fluffy bunnies that were up for adoption typically left the shelter pretty fast… presumably because they were, after all, fluffy bunnies that were up for adoption. Of course, when it came to these spastic creatures, nobody loved them more than The Rabbit Lady. TRL was one of many volunteers at PHS. What set her apart from the other volunteers, though, was the simple fact that she was out of her fucking mind.

I had never formally met TRL (at least, I don’t think I did). I had seen her around plenty of times, and smiled and said hello as I passed by – just to be polite and all that jazz. TRL would name the rabbits, play with them, and make elaborate, heart-shaped bios for them to post on the fronts of their cages. Something like, “Hi, I’m Blake, and I like long walks on the beach, mojitos, and late-night Telemundo.” That doesn’t sound harmless at all, right? In fact, it’s kind of cute, yes? Well, this is the part where I tell you that TRL seriously believed that she could talk to the rabbits via telepathy.


Flash sideways to poor, unsuspecting me. There was one morning where I was responsible for cleaning up the adoption areas of the shelter. This particular assignment was probably the most difficult because of the time-limit. The aim was to be done cleaning and feeding every adoptable animal in the shelter before the doors opened to the public at ten am. I remember making excellent time and being all proud of myself as I wheeled my cart full of supplies into the final leg of the “race” – the Small Animal Room. As always, every cage had a fluffy bunny in it, each boasting its own adorable, heart-shaped dossier with thorough explanations of age, sex, religious preferences, and the like. The very first cage was home to two unsuspecting brown bunnies, who loved to cuddle each other and do cute rabbit things. I reached in toward one of the fluffy little bunnies… and the motherfucker reared up and tried to bite me. 

Wait, what? 

Now, I knew that rabbits were biters. My friend and partner-in-crime, LG, had been bitten by a giant-ass rabbit during our first week working there. Of course, while we were both taken aback by the ferocity of that bite (that thing was around the diameter of a golf ball and as dark as an eggplant, and it stayed that way for months), we were extremely aware of the fact that that rabbit was not up for adoption. In fact, it never was – it went off to some weird bunny farm. But this rabbit that had just tried to bite me WAS up for adoption.

I grabbed the mean little bastard as quickly as I could, and put him in his carrier, with the intention of telling the folks in charge later that he should be evaluated again. I reached in to grab this guy’s buddy, and was surprised as hell when that one attempted to attack me as well. Much to my chagrin, almost every single rabbit in the room that day was aggressive. One of them actually stood on its back legs for over a minute and tried to fucking BOX with me. I had to roll a ball at it with my right hand to distract it while I grabbed it with my left. The excellent time I had been making was completely obliterated as I spent over an hour wrestling with rabbit after rabbit, sustaining scratches while making sure that the psychotic bastards didn’t break their own necks with their frantic kicking. (I hadn't even had the opportunity to clean the cages yet!)

The final cage that I came to housed a rabbit that was actually already adopted – it just needed to go to its new home. I figured that this one was different. This one was going home to somebody, perhaps a family. It had hopped into somebody’s heart because it was cute, and fluffy, and sweet, and I opened the cage, and the son of a bitch stood up and immediately ripped a chunk of flesh out of my palm before it busted out some bunny kung-fu. It dodged, it kicked, it fought, and it tried to bite me several more times before I scruffed it and threw it the fuck in its carrier. This one definitely had to be reported before it went home. I hunted down one of my supervisors and told him what was going on in that room as I disinfected and bandaged my bleeding hand (he happened to be in the room where all the first aid supplies were kept).

I trudged back to the Small Animal Room to finally get started on the cleaning, painfully aware that the shelter had been open for business for almost an entire hour. I grabbed the sign-off sheet from the back of the door so that I could write down my start and end times (all in all, a total of around three hours in a room that normally took forty-five minutes) as well as my initials; I also left a very short note to the supervisors that said, “Would have finished much sooner, but all of these rabbits are PSYCHOTIC!!!”

Now, remember The Rabbit Lady? Well, she saw my note, and she didn’t appreciate it. She was so offended that she went to the head of my department demanding some form of corrective action be taken against me. My direct supervisor convinced the big boss to let him give me a stern talking to, as opposed to having me either written-up on final warning or flat out fired.

My hand healed (no scarring, yay!), I kept my job (wrongful termination just wasn’t in the cards for me), and I was finally aware that rabbits are homicidal creatures that have cold, black hearts and an insatiable hunger for human blood. 

Fuck those guys.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts #23: The Cake is -- there's no room for cake? What the fuck?

I’m not sure if I have much in the way of oddities to purge from my head today, but I’ll give it a go and hope for an epic installment of

*Stacy over at Stacy Uncorked has gotten in-touch with her inner rebel by hosting RTT

  • Jeremy and I saw Scream 4 last night (sans children, of course). It was a fun movie to watch. A little predictable, but overall not bad. 
  • 90210 is back on the air! I haven’t seen it yet, but I heard something about a monkey… 
  • I have become addicted to Honey Kix. I think they’re only sold at Target, which kind of sucks because Target is kind of out of the way (not to mention a huge money-suck). 
  • Midget’s kindergarten assessment appointment has been made for the end of June. It’s going to be a two hour affair (WTF?!) and insurance will not cover the cost because it is not health-related.
  • Laaaaame. 
  • Speaking of Midget, I have a parent/teacher conference with her teacher(s) later today. I’m sort of terrified. 
  • Am I the only one who gets paranoid when the same car has been behind them for too long when going places? 
  • SOCOM 4 is officially out today, which means that, in theory, I should be able to get my reasonably less-stressed husband back. If the release creates more stress, well… argh. 
  • Portal 2 also came out today, and I am eagerly awaiting its arrival on my doorstep. HOWEVER, thanks to stupid DC Universe and its insane amount of required hard drive space on the PS3, I will not be able to re-acquaint myself with GLaDOS until we get a new (larger) hard drive. 
  • Fuck you, DC Universe. 
  • On the final chapter of Resident Evil 5, and I am totally digging it. Will have to play through several times to get some Achievements and unlockables, but I don’t mind. Just not looking forward to Reaper encounters. I fucking hate those things – they use their instant death attack on me (or my AI partner) 100% of the time (even though the guide says there’s only a 25% chance of it occurring) and then I look like a chump as I am forced to restart checkpoints over and over! 
FUCK these guys!!!
  • Oh, shit, there I go on a manic game-talking binge again. Yikes. 
  • I have yet to see my friend and her new baby, and it has been a month since she came home. Talk about a drag. I feel like the biggest damn flake on the planet, as every time we make tentative plans for me to visit I have to bow out because somebody has caught a goddamn cold. I absolutely avoid exposing other people’s kids, particularly newborns, to sickness of any kind – no exception. 
  • More people should adopt that policy. Almost every kid in Midget’s class has a runny nose. I have had to stop myself from shouting, “Which one of you did this to me?!” on more than one occasion.
  • YAWN. 

Okay, on that note, I think I am going to attempt a cat-nap before Munchkin wakes up here, though it might be wiser to replay 5-3 of RE5. IDK yet. Sleep sounds so amazing right now, and the house is all quiet, and I can’t stop yawning, and…

… ZZZzzzzzzzz

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kickin' it with Chris

It’s no secret that I have been on a pretty big Resident Evil kick lately. It is also no secret that series protagonist Chris Redfield has undergone a pretty radical change since his first appearance. When Chris made his debut back in 1998, he was, undoubtedly, one of the goofiest looking bastards in gaming:

Over the years Chris remained consistently goofy…

Until somebody over at Capcom was probably like, “Dude, we gotta fix this.”  And fix it they did:

One more (for good measure):

How YOU doin'?
Thank you, Capcom!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts #22: I've been listening to Hooker with a Penis a lot lately

Oh, hai Tuesday!

Link (still) disabled until further notice :(
  • Holy shit – Street Fighter is on. (The Jeanne-Claude Van Damme one.) 
  • Goddamn, this movie sucks. This isn’t new information by any means, but… wow. This is brutally bad. Why was this even made?? 
  • I have a sore throat. It’s horrible and I want it to go away. (I have a baby to meet! I can’t meet her if I’m sick!) 
  • Last week we got hit by a freak snow storm. It was so weird and, well… weird. I was pretty pissed as it was happening, but at least it didn’t stick! 
  • My cherry blossom tree, which was finally starting bloom, is now looking pretty rough because of the sudden onset of snow. Any little flowery cuteness on it has gone away completely, and it’s just hanging out, looking defeated. 
  • The girls and I can’t seem to stop watching Tangled. I think we’ve seen it four or five times since we got it (plus we saw it in the theatre). I don’t mind, though – I quite enjoy it. 
  • Speaking of movies, I am so fucking stoked to get Deathly Hallows on blu-ray!! 
  • Update on Midget’s kindergarten enrollment: currently trying to schedule her assessment. The first doctor I called was like “I’m not available” pretty much the second I answered her return call, but she at least gave me a couple of names and numbers to try. 
  • I think one of my new goals this spring and/or summer is to blast Tool’s “Hooker with a Penis” as loud as I possibly can as I drive through a parking lot or residential zone. Last year I had a somewhat awkward (but funny!) moment with some neighbors, my driveway, and “I’m On A Boat.” I need to keep the streak alive...
  • SOCOM 4 drops in exactly one week! This is a big deal because it’s the game that Jeremy has been working on forever! (Is this considered a “cheap” plug?) 
  • You know what else drops next week? Motherfucking Portal 2!! 
  • Did you hear about that school in Chicago that has banned students from bringing their own lunches? It’s total bullshit! 

Okay, I’m going to use my sore throat as an excuse to keep this week’s Random pretty short. Well, that, and Munchkin is hella cranky today. Weak sauce. On a much more joyous note, you should check out my homie, Megan, over at Now You’re In the World (if you haven’t already). Not only is she super hot, but she made a pretty rad announcement last night, and I’m super-crazy happy for her. You should be, too. No, really. Be happy, goddamnit!

Friday, April 8, 2011


Back in the summer of 2005, I took a job working for the Peninsula Humane Society in NorCal. My stint there lasted for only six months, but I think it was probably the longest six months of my entire life. I saw so many things there that just cannot be unseen. Even though I gained some valuable experience, a good friend, and a loyal, retard-cat out of the deal (not to mention paychecks), working for PHS was one of the worst experiences of my life.

My title? Animal Care Technician. My job? To care for the animals (dogs, cats, guinea pigs, mice, rats, rabbits, hamsters, gerbils, and some chickens here and there) -- as in to feed and clean up after them. It really doesn’t sound too bad… until you realize that large shelters house large amounts of animals. That’s a lot of food, a lot of soiled linens, and a lot of poop. Too much poop -- especially when you take medical conditions into consideration. For instance, a sensitive stomach can usually lead to diarrhea. Then there's pancreatitis, which can also cause diarrhea. Oh, and then there's parvo, which causes bloody diarrhea. (I did more dry-heaving during a single shift there than I did during both of my pregnancies, and my bout with the stomach flu combined.) 

The Animal Care Department was also responsible for euthanizing animals, disposing of bodies, and performing post-mortem decapitations for rabies testing. I was never certified to perform euthanasia (though I did sit in for more than my fair share), but decapitation requires no paperwork – just a disposable surgical scalpel, some gloves, and your bare hands. Instead of going into massive detail about that part of the job, I’ll mention the chill room, which was where the dead bodies were kept. No amount of cold air and industrial strength cleaner can keep the smell of death at bay. I remember being told by the supervisors that it’s something you “get used to.” For the record, I never got used to it. Not by a long shot.

So, now that you have some adequate background info about my time working at the shelter, it won’t seem completely insane when I inevitably go on various rants about Satanic hamsters, overly aggressive chickens, drunken laundry, or the Easter Bunny’s homicidal brethren.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Random Tuesday Thoughts #21: Insert witty title here.

I don’t really have a clear opening paragraph this week. Let’s just get this shit started, yes?

  • I’m going to start out by saying that Pussy Stampede is the best name for a segment of anything EVER. (It’s the portion of Web Soup where they highlight viral cat videos.) 
  • Jeremy got me the Biohazard Sound Chronicle Best Track Box, which is a pretty rad thing for me. It’s a boxed set of almost every Resident Evil soundtrack (0 through 4, and Code: Veronica X). It’s amazing – I love it. 
  • Listening to the set was a total nostalgia attack – particularly the soundtracks to RE2 and RE: Code: Veronica. Good times. 
  • BTW, listening to the scary tunes from the first RE (the remastered, re-arranged stuff from the remake) while your husband creeps up behind you to grab a boob? TERRIFYING
  • Yesterday was my dad’s birthday, and even though I bought his card weeks ago, I have yet to send it out. My inability to mail out cards on time has actually become sort of a running joke (annoyance) with my family. I ALWAYS get shit for it. 
  • Jeremy watches the Celebrity Apprentice. I mention this because I happened to be around when Meatloaf went all apeshit on Gary Busey. It was so. fucking. weird. 
  • Related: Donald Trump’s son looks hella dodgy. 
  • My traffic is down and I have lost a couple of followers over the last week or so. I’m not entirely sure of why; I have yet to talk about decapitating dogs for the health department or my intense dislike for grilled cheese sandwiches. 

On that fabulous note, I’m going to chill out on the random for the time being and see if I can finally mail out that damn birthday card…

Peace out~

Friday, April 1, 2011

Heart Songs

I love music. Like, seriously. I have to have music playing most (if not all) of the time. It’s so good for the soul, sometimes, to just pick a track that really speaks to me and blare that shit as loud as I can (depending on various environmental factors). My car has a wild assortment of mix CDs that I have created while listening to countless other tracks that ultimately didn’t make the cut. Music can make or break a mood; it can help provide a little more energy on a listless day or it can help one to relax at the end of a crazy night.

Naturally, Midget and Munchkin are developing their own musical preferences based on the things that I play. We can’t take a car ride without one or both of them making various musical requests, always beginning with what the girls fondly refer to as, “The Telephone Song.” Hearing Midget singing along with Lady Gaga is pretty awesome. Even more awesome is when she sings Liar along with Henry Rollins. I have been trying – FOREVER – to capture audio of this little slice of awesome to no avail.

Some more songs that the girls request on a regular basis:

I'm On A Boat -- The Lonely Island (Also known as "The Boat Song" by Munchkin)

Girls! -- Inspector Double Negative (IDN)

Boys Who Rape (Should All Be Destroyed) -- The Raveonettes ("The one where they say 'grape-shun'" -- Midget)

Tribute (Live Acoustic) -- Tenacious D 

B.Y.O.B. -- System of a Down 

Natalie Portman -- Ozma

Now, I know that some of the above musical choices may not be seen as age-appropriate for a 4.5 and a 2 year old, and that haters gonna hate, but the girls enjoy these songs, as do I. We sing and dance along, and I must say that it’s pretty rad – and beats the hell out of nursery rhymes and Disney Radio any day.