Thursday, January 31, 2013

A weird little ball with a weird little name

I have a fibroadenoma that I named Nacho.

I found out about it back in November (the day before Thanksgiving to be precise), had an ultrasound about a week and a half later, and then elected to have a needle biopsy a couple of days before New Year’s Eve.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to worry anyone – especially not after everything with Jeremy.

So, why say something now, you ask? Because I'm tired of not being able to speak freely about the little bastard. I have a weird little ball in my boob that has a weird little name (because I was being cheeky) that just sits about being all weird and shit. I feel like I shouldn't have to censor myself anymore, especially when I feel like marveling about how, once again, my own body has decided to troll me.

Anyway, so, yeah.My OB wanted me to have a mammogram because I’m “at that in-between age” but the imaging center’s policy was ultrasound first, mammo if something weird turns up during the U/S. Well, nothing weird turned up, and the doctor and techs were like, “Pfft, you’re good. Follow up in six months to make sure it hasn’t grown.”

High-five for that, right?

About a week or so later the formal letter came in the mail and proclaimed – IN ALL CAPS – that my results were “95% BENIGN.” Which is, of course, great news! But, because I’m out of my goddamn mind, the wheels of worry began to turn: There was a 5% chance that this could be something else; how could they possibly know what it was for sure without some kind of tissue sample, and let’s not forget that my otherwise healthy husband just had thyroid cancer that was discovered purely on luck! Shitshitshit! I tried to tell myself that I was being silly – I really did – but Nacho was seriously freaking me the fuck out because suddenly it felt like it had grown to be the size of Texas (it hadn't). I needed to know if it was friend or foe, and getting stabbed in the tit a few times was really my only option.
Lucky for me my experience working for a veterinarian paid off because I knew exactly what to expect going into the procedure. A needle biopsy is a needle biopsy is a needle biopsy, regardless of species. There will always be a big needle (derp), and a jar of formalin for the sample(s), and the amazing substance known as Lidocaine, which is borderline magical but stings like a bitch before it takes hold.

Knowing is half the battle folks, and now you know about Nacho, the power of my neurosis (pfft, as if you didn't know that already) and what to expect for needle biopsies!

So, high-five for that!


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Gender bender

It’s no secret that I have this… thing… about consistency. At this point I’m unsure of whether it’s a personality quirk or a weird litmus test for whether or not I’m particularly hypomanic at a given time. Nevertheless, it exists. With that being said, meet Mordecai and his BFF Bloodwing.

Hella lookin' like a hobo.
In the original Borderlands use of Mordecai’s Action Skill would send Bloodwing screeching into the fray, his razor sharp talons ready and willing to destroy any and every Bandit or Psycho in sight. Allocate Mordecai’s Skill Points just right, and you have a bird that will fuck. shit. up. The combination of Mordy and Blood (which I once saw referred to as “Birdecai”) was damn near unstoppable. And weirdly adorable because among all of the crazy death and destruction going about, Mordecai would call Bloodwing a “good boy” and shit.

Flash forward to Borderlands 2, where Mordecai repeatedly refers to Bloodwing as female. Right away I was like, “What the fuck? Blood’s a dude!” Advance a little more in the game, and suddenly Roland and Lilith refer to the bird as a male. As you might have guessed, this bothered me far more than it should have. However, it turns out that I wasn’t the only person vexed by the blatant inconsistency. A few forum threads popped up here and there which prompted BL2’s lead writer to set things straight:

“To answer your Bloodwing question, Bloodwing is a sequentially protandric creature. Halfway through Bloodwing's life cycle, he switched genders (not entirely unlike the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park).”

Solid explanation for sure, but I can’t help thinking that it’s just a clever way to clear up a legitimate continuity error that was caught too late in production to be fixed. At the end of the day it really has no bearing on the narrative, and it doesn’t make me love the game any less. (Because, seriously, this shit is great!)

Buuuuut I can’t help cringing and/or making faces whenever Bloodwing is mentioned. 

(Because I'm lame.)