Thursday, April 16, 2015


My mother and I have never had the best relationship: she is bitchy, overbearing, and bipolar (legitimately) as fuck. She has a superiority complex, and if you did something, she did it better. Or more extreme or whatever. Did you cut your finger and need stitches? Well, she cut off her entire hand and had it sewed back on! These are only a few of her more undesirable traits; to list them all would come across as an excessive laundry list of "she sucks" that could get out of hand really fast. Either way, our personalities clash like whoa, so we've never quite gotten along all that well. But as horrible as she was growing up, she still loves me, and will do what she can to help out whenever possible. She will periodically send a care package, and we talk regularly. She traveled cross-country to see both girls when they were born, and again to help me out around the house after I had my tubal. So, she's not the most likable person out there, but as my dad used to say, "her heart is in the right place."

With that being said, my mom is dying. She was diagnosed with breast cancer just last month, after a mysterious blockage and infection sent one of her milk ducts into a tizzy. (I was actually the first person she called to talk to about it. My reaction was A) "why the fuck are you calling ME about this?!" and B) "OMG GO TO THE DOCTOR!") She had surgery to remove the duct, but a biopsy was performed on the problematic tissues, and that led to the discovery of two types of cancer lurking around, with one being more aggressive than the other. She was labelled as Stage 2 and told she would need a total mastectomy, and possibly chemo or radiation.

Flash forward to now. 

My mother has been officially labelled as Stage 3. 

She had the mastectomy almost two weeks ago, but the surgeon(s) discovered the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes while they were in there, so those were taken out as well. However, it turns out the cancer has also spread to one of her lungs. From what I understand it's very, very small, but it's there, and probably getting bigger as I type this. The next step, once she gets her drainage tubes taken out (eww...) is definitely some chemo and radiation. However, she isn't sure if she wants to put herself through that; she was musing about cannabis oil as a less arduous alternative.

As one might imagine, this is a very strange and alarming turn of events for me. I just lost my dad last June, and that's still a pretty fresh wound. (Fun fact: my dad and I would usually talk shit about my mom for saying or doing something that was either fucked up or ridiculous.) So, for my mom, whom I have had some really, really bad times with, to fall ill like this is just amazing in all of the worst ways possible. I didn't think I would have to deal with yet another death so soon, but now I need to mentally prepare myself to be able to cope. Yeah, my mom and I aren't exactly on the same wavelength when it comes to pretty much anything, but -- as clich├ęd as it is -- she's still my mom, and losing her will be a pretty damn big blow to the family. If, or when, she goes, I will be left with an estranged "brother" and another phone number I will never have to dial again. And it looks like this is going to happen sooner rather than later. 

Once again, I have to remind myself (and possibly others) that I am not being a pessimist -- I am being a realist.

UPDATE - 05/14

My mom was "upgraded" to Stage 4, and the doctors are going to try what they can to remove the cancer by a non-invasive procedure with... Idek. Something. From there they'll do chemo. Unfortunately, my mother's surgery site became infected a couple of weeks back, landing her in the hospital for a minute. They can't do anything until the infection is completely gone, so now all we can do is wait.